I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
This is I, Robot all over again
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?