My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Risking my life for fun.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”