Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
had to make it
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:![]()
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it