Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
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I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.