I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?