Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
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Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Had to try this trend 😊
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles