Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
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Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.