(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first