Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
who wants to go expliring
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
at ease…shoulder.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak