boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Erm I’m gonna say no
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right