Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it