Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I’m listening
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
repaired
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”