me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
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House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.