Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.