It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.