Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
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“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.