I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”