This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.