when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Nice try, NASA
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn