get you a girl who
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We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I will never stop laughing at this
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I’ve had worse
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?