Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
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Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!