them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]