BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?