Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.