People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.