Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Great acting.. 😂
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.