I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Who wants to be my Valentine?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.