I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.