if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..