me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
You Might Also Like
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶