I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”