February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?