Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud