trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out