PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.