[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”