50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help