If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.