“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I just tested negative for patience.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball