THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.