[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Oh my god
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.