Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.