My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Hard not to take this personally
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you