Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
can you read it!!??
maan!