Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
You Might Also Like
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions