detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I’d hang this in my house.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it