Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
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55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀![]()
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[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.