Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.