When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
his wife is probably gonna see that