#Caturday
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I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Fidel Castro was alive?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE