Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
buys donuts instead
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.